Saturday, March 17, 2007
I need honest opinions
Ok, let me start by saying, "is there an ideal age difference between husbands and wives?" ok in my opinion 5 to 10 is a reasonable number, and yes there are exceptions, like the wife is a year older, the husband is one year older, they'r ndad, the husband is double the age and they'r living happy life. I also understand that age is just a number it shouldn't set the fact that "any couple" are happy or not. so help me out to understand whether it's ok or not for let's say a guy 43 years old wanting to marry a girl 25 years old....what's the girls' reaction should be? what's the guy's expectations? or it's personal differences and preferences? or as long as they are metfahmeen age gap means nothing?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
53 comments:
Interesting topic,
i'm planning to write something about Marriage in my site hopefully soon...
I dont think age matters,as long as you can connect,i adopted this thought recentlly....nevertheless,experts say that it does matter,because each "jeel" generation has its own ideas,so its best to stick to your jeel..
--- my friend was telling me the other day that her sister was married to a 40 year old man(her cousin) when she was 23 years old and that they are living a happy life,and they "yebo ba3ed"..so i guess it is possible for things to work out in real life!! Mesh 3arfa,sometimes i think that the closer they are in age the better chances that things will work out...i dont know for sure!!
my opinions on this matter are very odd to our culture as i dont believe in a huge age difference, as I think from 1 to 5 (max) as a wife is a companion of life and she should be a friend as well so from my opinion i believe my wife should be 2 or 3 years younger i.e. she understands me and we should be able to talk on a similar level (not 25 year difference) anyway insha allah when the day comes i wish she will be my friend and my confidant before she is my wife :)
so to sum up, it depends on how you look at a wife, 1 - is she just a carrier of your children? 2 - is she a part of your life and ur friend, confidant and the person u love............ I choose the second and i hope if she reads this she will agree
Happymoi; I don't know wallahi you are right the smaller the age gap the better because we'll fall into the jeel problem as you said but wow 23 and 40! rabe ehanehum
Ahmed; inshallah you find your future wife and she'll be your friend, wife and mother of your kids...
OK for me from ndad (same age) to 5 yrs max, and I do believe there are some exceptions that mashallah their marriages are perfect... so in the other hand I think it depends on the personality of the spouses; but speaking from my own experience my husband is one year older than I am, so we communicate very well alhamdolilah.. and I will never choose it any other way :o)
ah one more thing I would love to raise here since we are talking about marriage, as I was asked this "is loving or knowing your partner an essential matter before getting married?" I said yes but all the people who were present at that moment said no!??! What you girls/guys think?
Maysoon, that is a very very tricky one, i believe it is essential for a person to know his/her future partner prior to marriage as i believe not all people are compatible with each other, however, our society does have alot of stigmas about this.
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person"
Damoon, you are clever by starting this topic, thanks a lot
I need to say a simple fact that may help you see my point view: my partner isn’t Libyan, and she is 2 yrs younger
Below is only an opinion
I want to take your questions 1 by 1,
"is there an ideal age difference between husbands and wives?"
no
because what is ideal? No one knows
if you mean she is 25 and he is 25? Well, I think girls mature quicker than guys
girls mature mentally and emotionally much quicker. If she is 25, a guy of 25 may be in real terms 5 yrs younger in other departments
“ so help me out to understand whether it's ok or not for let's say a guy 43 years old wanting to marry a girl 25 years old....what's the girls' reaction should be?”
as you know, girls aren’t ALL the same, are they? – just like guys to be honest
some are wise, some adventurous, some with strong personality, some kind and patient, some silly, selfish, gold digger, etc etc
but because there is a good number of years in between 25 and 43, I think I start checking other factors
I would like to know why does he want to get married at 43 ? ( does he have kids? Reputation? Parents/sisters/brothers? Work? Friends? )
I mean ya Damoon, if you meet a guy your age, say he is 25, but his reputation is rotten, would you still marry him?
I mean there are many factors – age is only one
I mean, now you have seen how my mind works, right?
If you want more, lol, is this a real story or a general question?
I am going to follow this subject because I like it
Maysoon, I do believe that it's very important to get to know the person before you marry him; however, you won't know the person THAT well before actually getting married, we only need to know the main points in his personality...falling in love, hummm I go back to my theory of "what's love" does it really exists or it's the combination of different emotions. So it's hard to say; because historically proven marriage has worked both ways, when people get to know each other before getting married and when people get married through arranged marriages. But I would say the percentage of falling with the same person many times require you fall with him/her in the first time and experiencing all the beautiful feelings.
Ahmed; again I say it is essential to get to know the significant other in your life well enough to want to start a life with him/her
Cofman; WOW..lol no I don’t to marry a 25 yr old saya3..lol cuz he would be fe 3iz esya3a at that age, and yes you are right girls mature before guys; so there has to be a good couple of years difference between them. So the difference does matter! And yes there are many factors. But my question is why men get selfish and think any girl will accept them regardless of their age? I mean if I were a male "alhamduliallah I am not..lol" just kidding I just like being a girl, If I was a male 43 years old, I wouldn't consider proposing to any girl below 30, and yes this is my opinion you can agree or disagree with it; I just think it's not fair not because I 43 is old, no, because I can live a better life with someone who's age is closer to me than a girl in her twenties!
It's a real story but not involving me…as for me my fiancée is 8 year older than me and I wouldn't ask for more or less
Damoon, this is not my answer, this is what my partner told me, it is her answer
Some girls are 25 yrs old and behave better than 50 yr old women
And some behave as if they are 15
same goes for men, a lot of men are stupid
also,
think when you are 50 yrs old,
if he is older by 20 yrs, he will be 70, and maybe you could become a widow and lonely pretty early
end of story
i think the most important gap not in years it is on minds, if each one has different mind and different view of the life it will be difficult to deal with after marriage.
but even 20 years is to much, i think the max is 10.
and i agree with ahmed ur wife or husband must be ur friend first and last, its a long journey, and u must know her or he before any commitment to grantee u future.that is why most of arranged marriages fail.
As long as it isn't such a big age gap (over 8 years), then its ok. I think that maturity matters more than age does. Its the people who are together that can affect and change every thing to work for them.
personalities, knowledge, education, respect, behaviour, understanding, sharing, feelings...etc they all have a big role.
I believe the age difference should not be huge (say 10 years max) but if both are in agreement and have not been forced to do so then it is their decision even if the gap is huge.
if the minds and understanding's compatible...all's good.
And yes...I agree with not more than 8-10 yrs older.
Cofman; glad to know that ur wife has a say in this too :o)
Braveheart; in many cases age gap means gap in thinking so I have to agree 10 is a good number
Lebeeya; I hear you
AngloLibyan; Thank you for the comment
As an outsider(American), I would like to know why in muslim societies is it acceptable (encouraged in many cases)to marry cousins? I have a friend who is 15 years older than his cousin-wife (an arranged marriage-married in two months after formal meeting) and he is very unhappy. I think part of the reason could be that he had spent many years studying/living abroad. However, the age difference has also contributed to their marital difficulties.
I am so sorry, I had forgotten to mentioned that he is Libyan and lives in Libya.
I believe the most important thing a man and woman should have in common is similiar life experiences. I think it is possible for a much younger woman to have similar life experiences to a much older man. However, I do believe a woman as young as 23 has not truly lived life yet as to a 30 year old woman. And so, she still needs a little more time to mature. The older a woman becomes the less important the age gap becomes. Thank you for allowing me to place my comments. I would appreciate your responses. :-)
Anon, your comments are excellent imo
I am learning too, a libyan living far from libya, and with a partner who isn’t libyan
( thank god I am not alone lol )
Anonymous; Yes, in-breeding is still common in many societies; however, I could only speak about the society I live in. Marrying a cousin isn’t as common as it used to be here in Tripoli; to tell you the truth, I am not very familiar with all the reasons why it’s encouraged I could only think of few such as, protecting the family inheritance “better goes to a cousin than an outsider” or some people think that a cousin will take care of their husband/wife and look after them better because they’r blood related “although I don’t agree with this point if it exists. I am sure they are more reasons why they do it; all I can say is I don’t support it at all, unless they cousins are in agreement and they love each other and wanting to start a life together. In your friend’s case; it’s very sad, he shouldn’t have accepted the offer to start with “it’s hard to be in his shoes” because I know how Libyan parents can be “very stubborn”
In my opinion; no marriage should be forced upon guys or girls especially at an early age, and trying to convince them that it will work out; because they need to mature first then make such commitment; also, as parents they should advise their son or daughter and let them make the final decision and be responsible for it no matter what.
Reply For Anonymous
Although Islam does not totally forbid marrying your cousin but there are many quotes and saying that advise Muslims to avoid it. As for arranged marriages, Islam does emphasize that the consent of both the bride and Groom must be taken as the focal point and if any one of the parties disapproves then the marriage can not go ahead.
My Friend Anonymous, if you hear that any Muslim has been forced into marriage then it is more custom then religion as customs dont always follow religion
Hope That will Help You
Many Thanks
Congratulations, M.
Thank you. and you are?...
Interesting topic indeed!, let me ask the question of what are the elements of happy marriage? Compatibility in personality (having common view of life in general), mutual respect, understanding, and accommodating your partner different views (ability to compromise). Now back to the age gap question , you say the age difference should not more than this or less than that just you think it MAY help to achieve the above elements of happy marriage, BUT if you already have those elements in your potential partner, then you already have what it makes marriage inshallah a happy one. Age gap is not important as long as there are no other gaps. Have a good one everybody.
Thanks Damoon for bringing this topic up...
POOH :-)
Thank you Damoon and a akak for your explanations and insights. My friend is really in a lot of pain. When he came back to Libya after living abroad (italy) for so many years, his father almost forced him to marry another cousin (not his present wife). He managed to get himself out of that situation with a lot of animosity not only from his father (a very tyrannical man), but from the girl's family, too (the father had said that his son wanted her;thus making the poor girl wait for him). It is such a long and complicated story. Unfortunately, his two sisters weren't so lucky. They were forced (or better said "strongly pressured") to marry at a young age. You are correct this comes from custom and not from religion. I can only assume it also comes from more traditional villages as opposed to the bigger cities. He comes from a village outside of Tripoli. I am from New York City where going to a therapist/psychologist is as normal as going to a medical doctor for a flu shot...Woody Allen describes us New Yorkers very well in his films..ha ha! I have told him to speak to someone..a therapist or a spiritual leader/person/imam in his mosque, but he tells me that he feels uncomfortable talking about his personal problems to outsiders. I am not familiar with Libyan society or Islam (but I am learning), so I don't know how to help him seek help. He gives me the impression that their is a taboo to seeking professional help or venting out one's problems to others. I don't know if this is true. He confides in me because he feels he can trust me. He respects and listen to what I tell him. However, I am very mindful not to give him advice that may be insensitive to his culture and faith. That's why I respect whatever you guys can tell me:-)
Thanks, Blu (sorry don't have a google account)
i like to thank Damoon again,
I hope we start chatting about subjects we rarely talk about ( I mean I get everything, news, music … online ) .. but sensitive and important topics are often avoided .. I think we can talk about them, learn and share …
Dear Anonymous
Your friend is very lucky to have a good friend like yourself who is willing to learn and understand his/her friends.
As to answer you question, I dont think back home it is as common as in the west to visit a shrink/doc for mental issues of just to relive some pressure but i wouldnt go as far as saying it is a taboo or bad thing as if you need help in any way of form you should consider any option.......... I am sorry if this does not answer your question 100% but i hope it will help
Many Thanks
Dear A akak, I must agree. I think he is just too afraid (or proud) to seek professional help. I will continue to listen to him and allow him to vent. Thank Goodness for the internet, otherwise it would have been impossible to keep in touch with him. I think he is married to an awesome woman. She went to Germany with him and their infant son so that he could study and finish his specialization. Imagine being in a foreign country for the first time with an infant and no family or friends to help you? Being all alone in the apartment during the day because your husband is studying and doing his residency at the hospital. Not knowing the language and not being able to get around.The fact that she is a traditional muslim woman is what he always wanted.So, it saddens me that he cannot relate to her.
Besides the age gap, a woman should be aware that a man who has lived abroad is not the same as one who has lived at home all his life. I think this should also be taken into consideration when marrying.My humble opinion... :-)
Thanks again, Blu
Thank you Ahmed for trying your best to explain to Blu,
Dear Blu;
Unfortunately, your friend’s case is kind of complicated and I am sure he’s grateful for your support. My personal opinion is trying to work it out – I mean humans have a great magical way of turning things into our favour; I mean if I were him; I’d try to understand what the core problem is and see how I like to solve it; and start having heart-to-heart conversations with my partner on how we can make this marriage a better one. His wife’s case is very common unfortunately; not being forced to get married; the fact that she is in a foreign country and spends all the time locked up in the house taking care of the baby; I know many girls that going through the same thing; I encourage the husband to try and get her involved in the society by either learning the language or different entertaining classes such as art or cooking, things that doesn’t require high level of communication due to her little knowledge of the language. By doing that he’ll feel that the wife is becoming less stressed and probably start sharing the same interests as the husband. So he better get on with the positive attitude and start thinking how he can make his marriage a better one.
I can go on forever about this subject but the best thing to say is “imagine what we wish for and start working on achieving it”
"Claps All Round"
Damoon are you sure you are not a marriage counselor? if not you should be, as i think what you said is very logical and true,
Take Care
Thanks Damoon,
They are back living in Libya. I hope you are right about the "magical" ways humans can improve their situations. I truly want to believe that. However, humans also have a "magical" way of sweeping their problems under a rug and just letting it build up more and more in the coming years. I have told him many times to speak to her about their problems, but he tells me he has and that she is very resistant to change. I think he expects too much from her...just the same he expects too much from himself...and at times from others (He is like that). Well, hopefully the marriage will survive all this.
No matter what culture,religion or social status one comes from, marriage is the trickiest of all relationships. It requires a lot of tending to in order to continuously reap its rewards:-)
Blu
Damoon..very difficult to take a course or class when you are the only one taking care of a baby. :-(
I am currently a stay at home mom with a 21 month old and..believe me..you have no time for self- improvement classes. I am so grateful I have a computer ;-)
Absolutely correct about the positive attitude. He is a very negative person. I have pointed this out to him many times. I think he will just have to find a way to be happy or at least content with his wife and life in general. And you are absolutely correct. He does have core issues that are probably getting in the way with his married life. Right on!!
Okay..enough..I know I am taking too much of your blog space. Thanks for listening to my friend's dilema. It is very inspiring to find such smart people (and young, too) that I could easily converse with!! Thanks again,Blu
*blush* thank you ahmed, I think I can make a good marriage consular, hehe jk
Anon; I know it’s hard when you have that young of a child; but I was thinking along the lines of actually having a 5 year-old-child who goes to either preschool then the wife should get involved and fill her free time even volunteering at the Local mosque for example, my mom does that back in Canada helping out with the Mosque library. Any ways, it’s hard for me to judge because I am in no ones’ shoes; I could only speak for myself and of what I would do if I were in their shoes.
Blu; most of us Libyans live in a very routine life; so your friend should be more positive and lower his exceptions and stop with hiding everything under the carpet because sooner or later the volcano will erupt and nothing good will come out of it.
You are more than welcome to use my blog; I love our little Libyan blog community and I am sure everyone including myself will be more than happy to help you with anything.
Damoon I agree with you 100 percent!Sooner or later the volcano will erupt!!
They lived in Germany for several years and came back to Libya a year ago. That baby is now 4 years old and they are expecting another child (after suffering a stillbirth while in Germany). When they were living there, I had asked him if the local mosque had a community center that would be able to help her with the baby and include her in their social activities. He didn't know and didn't really do any research to find out. That really frustrated me! He baffles me sometimes. He always used to tell me how he wanted a traditional woman...and then he would tell me how he would also want her to work (have a career) and have her own money..and then he would tell me how he always wanted many children...and then get exasperated because she was too traditional. Go figure!! He is just a hard man to satisfy. I also think he spent too much time in Europe. He began to look up at how Western women work and have families.He doesn't realize how that can have a toll on a family, too!!
Yeah..you are so right about the core problem. He always had a very difficult relationship with his father. And so when he found out his father had literally picked out a woman without his consent, he was so angry. He got away from not marrying her; creating a real rift between him and his father...making his father lose face. He also wanted to "show" his father that "he" will choose his bride, not him. I think in the long run it back fired because he really didn't give himself time to know his wife well before marrying her. And in an indirect way, he kind of fulfilled his father's wish by marrying a woman who was also a cousin. Interesting..eh? He is so torn because a part of him wants to honor his father but the other part of him cannot forgive/forget the abuse he suffered under his tyranny. Very sad story.
Damoon..please answer this question: Is it traditionl/standard to marry within two months after meeting someone? I know that dating is discouraged, but in my culture (I am American but my parents are Latin American immigrants)the old fashioned way was to have a courtship that was heavily supervised (to avoid any sexual contact and maintain the girl's honor).The boy could only visit the girl at her house in the living room while the parents were present. If they went out to eat or to a cinema "the whole family" had to go and chaperone them. This would go on for about a 6 months to a year..and then they would be ready for marriage. They would be allowed to talk privately..as long as they can be seen. The most important thing was for the girl not to be put in a sexually compromised situation. Blu
Yes..Damoon..you would make a great marriage counselor :-)
Mashallah...
Look how everyone cannot stop talking when it comes to marraige...that is hilarious.
I agree with the "age does not matter view as long as there's mutual understanding, respect and caring". Here are two things to keep in mind:
1) When I say understanding & respect, I mean it in absolute bidirectional terms, because unfortunately in our society [at least from what I have seen]...these terms usually mean that the lady need to be the one who's doing most of the compromise.
2) I agree with the age doesn't matter view under the above conditions, simply because the age we know of is the number of days/months/years a living person has been occupying planet earth, which may or may not be reflective of the person's actual intellectual & emotional maturity; i.e. "the developmental age". Some people hit & pass their 30's (lakin la 7ayat leman toonadi) they're still at the oral fixation stage.
Thus, as long as both parties fully consent and happily endorese the endavour...go for it ;o)
Truth of the matter is you actually end up marrying what you don't see not what you know and see! So with an age gap or not, take it slow.
All the best
-ImmunoMania
I am just a passer by and I felt like discussing damoon’s comment about the man proposing to a young girl as selfish.
I don’t pre-judge somebody unless I know for fact what is he doing. If an older man proposed to a young girl, doesn’t mean he did it because she is young, he might saw things in her that he didn’t see in others, there are many reasons why men do that. On the other hand there are girls who want to marry older guys. I know when my brother came back home and want to get married, a lot of Freshman College girls were after him and he was 41 back then. How old is a freshman girl’s age 20 or 21, I guess these girls didn’t mind the age.
The bottom line, it is not the age, it is the quality and the maturity of both that shape their decision and don’t judge men as selfish please, they are cool, they own our hearts :P
Anonymous 1
Anonymous Number 1 said strange things, Anon 1 said “ If an older man proposed to a young girl, doesn’t mean he did it because she is young, he might saw things in her that he didn’t see in others ”
Like what? Give us examples ya 7elo ?
LOLOLOL
Dear Blu,
Again thank you for sharing.
To answer your question; no, it’s not common to get married in “two months” after being introduced. It’s totally up to both parties to decide when the best time to get married is! Although in your friends’ case I am sure the reason they got married that quick is because he had to go back abroad!
Anyways, marriage subject went broader than I thought..lol and hey sis thanks for the common and gosh you need to change your name cuz I can’t spell it “ImmunoMania” I have to agree thought in our society the girl sacrifices a lot more. My personal opinion again; if she is happy with all the sacrifices she is making then be it, it’s her call.
Anon 1; I am not judging men and saying they are selfish, although in many cases “human nature” men tend to be more selfish and less willing to sacrifice than women. It’s just a known fact; it doesn’t apply to every male on the planet. Don’t get me wrong I am not sexist at all; I think men are great and Allah created them to have a balance in life…lol I wouldn’t like only females world kinda boring hehehe
The sad truth these days in our society is girls will care less about how good of a person the groom is! They just want to get married!
I think that it is a sensitive subject, and as the comments shows, there are several opinions:
1. Everyone is responsible for him self, and if he thinks that an younger girl will give him what he is searching in marriage, why not?
2. The big age gab may lead to a gab in the way of thinking, or in other words, the generation gab (which by the way is also my opinion if the gab is very big)
3. Age is not everything, there are other important points between partners, respect, care, etc..
4. Parents should discuss with their daughters this issue before getting married.
But to be honest, nowadays in Libya, isn't it the Idea in alot of families, it doesn't matter how old is he, what is he working, what is his way of thinking, the only thing that matters, he came and asked for the daughter, and for a girl it is better to be married than not to be, so this means he can take her. Aren't alot of moms worried about their daughters who are getting older and who are still not married, so if someone comes to ask even if he is too old, he is welcome.
Thanks Damoon,
Thanks to you, I am learning a bit more about Libyan culture. it will help me put into perspective my friend's problem. My friend married her because he was lonely and really wanted to get his life going (having a wife, family, career...etc). His study in Germany came two years after they married.
Concerning Anonymous 1: Why would a 41 year old man be interested in a girl of 20 or 21? What is his emotional maturity that he needs such a young person? Why can't he find a woman closer to his age or at least older than 25? Why would he want someone half his age? The bottom line should include age..because to a certain degree age is an indicator of that person's life experiences and maturity, especially at 20 years old. C'mon, I have met 15 and 16 year olds that seemed mature beyond their years, does that mean they too are ready for marriage with a 41 year old man? Also lets think about this...if so many girls are swarming around your brother because they "just" want to get married (as Damoon had stated)wouldn't that in itself be an indicator of their immaturity? Let's examine your brother. You stated, when he came back he wanted to get married. Okay...where was he? Was he abroad in another country? For how long? Do you think it was possible that he may have met some women while away? We need to do a pyschological profile of your brother....hee hee.
I am aware that many Middle Eastern/North African men do or have to go abroad to study. However, no one seems to talk about the pyschological effects these experiences have on them! Which can affect them when they marry some one who doesn't have a clue to what they had gone through. When I lived in Italy, I met many Arab men and heard stories of the culture shock (and racism, too!) they had encountered (some funny,but many sad). And they also became bitter with the women they had met abroad (love betrayals and at times their misconstrued notions as to how a woman should be and act). Many (I assume)come back home to marry with all this emotional baggage that their future wives are poorly equipped to handle.
I know that it is more common in middle eastern/north African culture for men to marry much younger women. My husband is Syrian (three generation in America and they still practice this). But sometimes, I wonder if it is because it is easier to mold her. It doesn't matter how headstrung she is with time an older man will influence her in his way. Where I live they conducted a study and found that older women are less likely to relinguish/sacrifice things for a man as are younger women. In other words, more assertive to what they want and don't want.
If I was the parent of a libyan girl, I would expect the following things: She would have to get a very good education...so that she will be par/equal to her prospective husband. If her future husband lived abroad for many years, there will be a "long questionaire" he will have to fill out. And..please no 40 year old need to apply!!! Hee Hee!!!
-Blu
Yikes! Curious ..that is so depressing!! :-(
Damoon...I agree in all societies usually its the girl that has to sacrifice more. So true! :-(
Blu
.... same age , big age difference , older , younger , uglier , fat , skinny ,,, its all an opinion. Oh why r u marrin the ugly b**ch? to u she may be the air u breathe for someone else shes a nasty ugly winch. Age is not important as long as the two understand and love one another. Where i feel its wrong is when a young girl is forced to marry an old man ... so wrong. Or when they say u'll learn to love him ... if theres no chemistry in the beggining its gonna be damn hard to have some later in life. I'm blessed cuz DaMoon and DaStars go hand in hand (lol) and age etc is not an issue. I love her and I know she loves me everything else is negotiable .... muwah
Blu; you've said it all, I agree with you :)
Lucky; I am da blessed one to have you in my life and Inshallah we'll be da bomb a** couple..lol thanks for commenting in my blog
i think we slaughtered the guy without knowing his real intentions which is not fair. i guess that is what libyans are good at.
Damoon, i have some quastions for you.
1- did the girl know know him before? if so how did she know him, is she a friend of him? if so, how come she accepts to have a friend way older than her. how could they be friends, if they have different thinkings/ believes because of the age gap. how did he propose to her, through direct talk or in a tradition way, were he sent his mom to talk to her family?
2- did she ask the guy why is he proposing to her and not to older girls? or if there is another girl whos older than her with the same qualifications. Would he rather marrying the older girl?
3- what was the girl's openion on all this. did she see anything bad in him other than age?
there are many other Qs that need be asked before jumping to a conclusion like we all did and it is not fair for us to pre-judge woithout having enough evidence to do so.
Anonymous1
Anonymous 1:
Which post are you refering to? I don't think any of the guys being spoken about are being "slaughtered". It is all just hypothetical situations. :-0
However, I do believe age should always be considered especially when the girl is as young as 20 or 21. My humble opinion...
Blu:-)
Anonymous1:
Okay, I know which post you are refering to. You are absolutely correct! A lot of questions need to be asked besides the age thing. However, we weren't slaughtering the poor guy...just wanted to know more about his background to understand him better. You must admit...if you were a parent of a 20 year old, you would also wonder why (and how) a much older man is (became) interested in her.
In my posting, I also went slightly off topic to talk about those men that do come back from abroad with major issues and how it can create difficulties when they marry girls not knowledgeable of their lives abroad. I hope I made myself clear..didn't mean to offend you or anybody else. Blu:-)
salam
I agree with most opinions discussed here .. but ana 3ayez adeef...:D
isnt there a chinese marrige formula for age?? Im not saying it's universal... it just seems to be..interesting..
i think its: mans age/2 +6 = his partner's preferred age.
whatever.. :P.. Blu I admire your friendly approach.. learnt a lot :)
Oh and Blue.. your latin american tradition of supervised courtship is the most logical and for me personally.. that is Islam right there.. so thanks again :)
Thanks for the compliment Mani! ;-)
Unfortunately, this kind of courtship is no longer practiced/observed nor respected.I wish it was more islamic (or traditional christian)...where a woman and man are supposed to be virgins before marriage. In Latin culture, men were always expected to be sexually experienced before marriage..while women weren't. Such hypocrisy!!! As a result, many women revolted. Sadly, many Latin American countries (as well as the United States)are now experiencing an increasing rate of unplanned/out of wedlock teen pregnancies. And "deadbeat" fathers (and mothers, too) not willing to take financial/moral responsibilities for their children.
This leads me back to the original question. If a man age 40 is interested in marrying a 20 year old. Should the parents assume that he is a virgin????? Or do they assume that he isn't???? Do they ever think about this? Does the parent or the girl ever ask this question to a potential husband? I think this is very important information to ask..don't you think??
Okay (hee hee..here I go again!!),if I was a libyan mother ..and an older man or for that matter a guy who studied abroad wants to marry my daughter, I would be upfront and ask for his "romantic" past. If he has had "girlfriends", I want their names and numbers. No question about it, I would like to have a chat with them.:-0
The way I see it (hypothetically), If I have gone through the trouble of raising a beautiful, educated and respectable girl who has her "honor" and comes from a good family. Why would I want to give her to a man who lost his "honor" a long time ago? Look, I know a lot of men(regardless their religion, culture, and race)are not virgins when they marry, but I at least want to make sure the one who marries my daughter isn't a playboy/player or one who has had such negative experience with woman that he doesn't know how to respect them "intimately".
Blu :-)
If I am way out of line...please let me know. Again...do not wish to offend anyone....just thinking out loud. :-)
i would just like to say that my libyan husband am english is 6 years younger than mean and we get on fine. we have been married for 4 years and have a 2 year old son. remember your prophet mohummed pbuh married khadija pbuh who was 15 years his senior and he never took another wife until she died so i think age gaps as long as they are not to drastic are fine.
Post a Comment